I know we're cool

I desperately want curls like this

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

"To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong"
- Joseph Chilton Pearce

I prefer the longer album version of this song with the brilliant organ solo, but this film clip is fantastic in it's own right ( and I love perving on all their synths) 

The Horrors - Laneway Perth 2012

Kiss Before the Fall

HTRK

Kiss After the Fall

Another glimpse inside a flower, you’re my rose
She laughs, he sighs, and punched her in the nose
He keeps her warm
He keeps her warm
He keeps her warm

She’s fine, so fine, her bruises are all mine
She took too much and waits ‘til morning time
He keeps her warm
He keeps her warm
He keeps her warm

Crystal cloak covers all
The kiss before the fall
She sinks into the sea
We had a good time, didn’t we?

HTRK

This song, in some incomprehensible, unimaginable way encapsulates, in a far simpler and more beautiful way than I could ever hope to expresses, perfectly, what has happened to me truly in the realms of affection. 

It seems I can never win. In my case it's never the kiss before the fall, but always, literally and figuratively, the kiss after the fall. The only 'affection' I ever am able to experience when it comes to the opposite sex is and has been in my mind in totally the wrong order and for the wrong reasons. Be it revenge, thoughrally destructive in it's own right as it suggests plainly that there is no legitimate attraction or interest, or simply to take advantage of concurrent concussion, acid and drunkedness as an open invitation. 

I don't know if this says more about me or about the people in question, perhaps the only way people feel they can get close to me, especially physically, is when I'm 'suitably' intoxicated. I think that what disturbs me most is not the lack of romance, because there is a definite lack of that, but the belief that it is OK to take advantage of someone emotionally and physically in that way. I mean the person in question seriously couldn't have thought it would be fine to grope kiss and fondle etc etc me when I 1. had just done acid for the first time 2. was very very drunk 3. had just fallen from a balcony and hit my head on concrete. Totally the best time to start feeling up someone. What could ever go wrong! 

Perhaps if feelings had been made clear initially and before that, I would have had a different outlook on things,  I shouldn't be made to feel 'guilty' or anything of that nature purely because I don't find myseld attracted to someone, especially after they've done that. 

I just want to be able to be myself around someone, not have to lie, or have them lie to their friends about my age, that shouldn't be something to be 'ashamed' of and from that its obvious that age is an issue. How old is too old? Well I think at my age even 5 years older is pushing it let alone 8 if you're not Johnny Depp. If I was in my 30s I don't think age would matter or even cross my mind, but hearing something like ' Oh most of my friends have kids or are getting married' at my age really just makes me uncomfortable. I  think it would realistically for anyone under the age of 25. 

In a sense I'm being utterly hypocritical, as I have heard myself say countless times that I prefer older men, which is still true, if it's the right older man. I can't pretend to have affection that simply isn't there. I shouldn't have this awful nauseated feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I'm reminded of what happened. 


I think that maybe I expect to much. But really I don't have standards that are unreasonably high. 
All I want really is : 

• For someone to take me on a date or something similar 'before the fall' so to speak
• A similar age - similar being the key word - nothing as rediculous as eight years
• Not so much arrogance and agressiveness, sense of ownership of me 
• Good music taste, film taste, taste in novels - 'call me shallow but these things matter'
• Just someone who will want to go to gigs with me or play gigs with me and watch movies
• Humour
• Intelligence
• Sense of style
• Kindness
• Mutual affection

That's pretty much it. I don't think it's a lot to expect, but apparently it is. I can only seem to find and see these things in someone who probably would never even think of me, let alone like me. 

To be consise, I have never had a romantic or genuine experience in my life, probably through my own fault, and never will. I'm too serious for people to be attracted to me really. 

My only one true lover is my cat. 

"Loneliness as a situation can be corrected, but as a state of mind it is an incurable illness"
- Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

Don't let me down - The Beatles 

This, to me, is one of those songs that I can listen to repeatedly, over and over, without fail. There’s just something about the floating, cascading organ and the sound of John’s voice, the rawness and coarseness of it, that transfixes me and sends me dreams of beautiful summer days filled with blue skies, better times and long grass. I can almost smell the freshness of summer in its melodies. The lyrics ring true to me as a plea - don’t let me down- because in truth, how often can we be let down by the ones we love before it starts to take its toll. 

Perfection - Sherilyn Fenn

I simply adore Sherilyn Fenn's 'look'. 

When we talk I feel like I'm floating
I'm fascinated by you
And we've never even met.

It’s a prison of sound

The beautiful, harsh, haunting, apocolyptic guitar sound that Rowland creates in The Birthday Party in particular in 'Jennifer's Veil' and 'The Friend Catcher' just murders me. Without his guitar, there would be no destinctive sound to The Birthday Party. His guitar sound personifies their sound. Gives it life, or alternatively death. I could sit for days and immerse myself in the exponential layers of fuzzed up, banshee screams and endless feedback wails that shriek and howl from his fender jaguar. Music like this is one of the few reasons I'm glad to be alive, both Rowland and his sounds are eternally beautiful to me. 

" I hate this feeling. Like I'm here, but I'm not. Like someone cares, but they don't. Like I belong somewhere, anywhere but here, and escape lies just past that snowy window, cool and crisp as the February air"
- Ellen Hopkins

man ray

Negative Kiss

La Priere

"I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times but never once into it" 
-Jonathan Safran Foer ,Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close